23 9 / 2014

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?"

Chris Rock

(Source: goodreads.com)

06 9 / 2014

laugh-w-me:

sister-transistor:

minimaddie:

europeanswagg:

broken, funny & lovely

Beautiful, sad, & funny.

Funny, broken, beautiful. *kanye shrug*

Beautiful, whore, and sad. In that order… O.o

Reblogging to see what’s changed. I saw funny, broken, and beautiful. Nice to know my ego hasn’t decreased.

What other words are in there? Love, whore, epic, lad, cab, sap, plop, sad are the only other horizontal words I could fine. Hmmm…

laugh-w-me:

sister-transistor:

minimaddie:

europeanswagg:

broken, funny & lovely

Beautiful, sad, & funny.

Funny, broken, beautiful. *kanye shrug*

Beautiful, whore, and sad. In that order… O.o

Reblogging to see what’s changed. I saw funny, broken, and beautiful. Nice to know my ego hasn’t decreased.

What other words are in there? Love, whore, epic, lad, cab, sap, plop, sad are the only other horizontal words I could fine. Hmmm…

(Source: lalalovato)

06 9 / 2014

(I am moving out of an apartment where I live with several friends, and am trying to get someone to replace me on the lease. I put an ad out online, and find someone that my old roommates like. The lease transfer process involves her sending me a check for the security deposit she is taking over, and all of us signing a document saying we accept the switch.)

Me: “Hey, [New Girl], I’ve got all the signatures and everything ready to go. I’m just waiting for your check and then we’re good.”

New Girl: “Thanks! I can’t pay you right now because I just got some work done on my car, but ask me in two weeks.”

(Two weeks later I text her.)

Me: “Hi, [New Girl]. I just wanted to check with you on the security deposit check. Do you have the money now?”

(I go out to dinner with a friend, and suddenly get a flurry of text messages. I open them to find they’re all from New Girl.)

New Girl: “You don’t have to be such a b**** about it! No, for the record, I DON’T have your money and my uncle is sick and I can’t believe you’re doing this to me right now. You don’t even deserve to get the security deposit back! When I moved out of MY last place I had to just give the security deposit up and that’s the way it goes! I can’t believe you’re doing this! I don’t get money from mommy and daddy. I’m doing it all on my own! I NEED that money more than you do so why don’t you just back off!”

(A few minutes pass and she sends me another text.)

New Girl: “I called [Roommate] and she says the paperwork’s already turned in, so technically I don’t owe you anything. Haha. Oh, well. Better luck next time! See ya later!”

Me: “First off, my parents aren’t paying for anything for me either, so I don’t know where that’s coming from. Second, I actually never signed that document because I was waiting for payment. Now I’m seriously considering whether to sign it at all. I’ll talk with my roommates and figure out what we want to do.”

(Five minutes later, another text comes in.)

New Girl: “What was the account number you wanted that transferred to?”

(I did get the money, with her complaining all the while, and my old roommates still chose to live with her. Shockingly, it didn’t go well.)

Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:

(Source: notalwaysfriendly.com)

05 9 / 2014

05 9 / 2014

(I am 16, and have a condition that I’m currently getting treated with ultra-violet light. I have to stand in a light box. On this day, I finish up and go to reception to pay my bill. There is no one there. I ring the bell, and end up waiting about 10 minutes. No one comes to the desk. I call my mum.)

Me: “Mum, I’ve been standing at reception in the doctor’s office for 10 minutes, and no one is here. No other patients, no one. I don’t know what to do. Could you please drive past on your way home and pay the bill for me? If I stay any longer, I’ll miss my bus to work.”

(My mother reported this next part of the story to me.)

Mum: “Hi, I’m here to pay the bill for [My Name]. She was here earlier today and no one was around when she left.”

Receptionist #1: “Oh, HER. We’ve been talking about that disgraceful girl all day. You should be ashamed.”

Mum: “Excuse me?!”

Receptionist #2: “Fancy running out without paying. She claims there was no one here? What a load of rubbish. I hope you are proud, raising such an irresponsible girl.”

Mum: “I’m here to pay her bill. Now, how would I know to do that if she hadn’t have called me, upset, worried that she couldn’t pay?”

Receptionists: “Um…”

Mum: “That’s right. I’m here because, after waiting here for 10 minutes to pay, she called me, upset because she was going to miss her bus to work. I’m here because she did the only thing she could do. Would you like to rethink your accusations?”

(The receptionists went about the rest of the transaction in an angry silence. What they didn’t know is that my mother was friends with one of the casual staff at the surgery. We found out later that the receptionists had gone out for lunch and forgotten I was there. The big speech about me doing a runner was so that the doctors wouldn’t know they’d left the desk unattended. Nothing says guilt like an aggressive overreaction!)

Related:
Very Bad Reception, Part 6
Very Bad Reception, Part 5
Very Bad Reception, Part 4

Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysWorking.com!:

05 9 / 2014

(There is a German exchange student in my senior Spanish class. He is rather attractive, and one girl in particular keeps pestering him despite his obvious lack of interest. Eventually he quits being nice and gives her sarcastic answers to all of her questions and demands.)

Girl: “So, what’s the most different thing for you being in the US?”

Exchange Student: *shrugs* “I’m not so used to wearing clothes. Germans like to be naked as much as possible.”

Girl: “Tell me a random fact about Germany!”

Exchange Student: “Unlike the US, Germany has two moons.”

Girl: “Do you miss any foods from home?”

Exchange Student: “Of course. I mostly miss haggis and enchiladas.”

Girl: “Will you miss any foods from the US when you go back home?”

Exchange Student: “Cheeseburgers. We have regular burgers in Germany, but you cannot get them with cheese.”

(The exchange student went home after graduation, and for the most part the entire thing was forgotten until we had a five year class reunion this year.)

Girl: “Ya know, I went to Germany last year. Apparently people actually do wear clothes, there isn’t a second moon, and you can totally order a cheeseburger. That exchange student was such a liar!”

Related:
Germaniac, Part 2
Germaniac

Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:

05 9 / 2014

05 9 / 2014

noobtheloser:

"Day four hundred and sixty three in captivity. I am crestfallen."

(via tastefullyoffensive)

04 9 / 2014

04 9 / 2014